I'm explaining..

I'm sat down in bed, nashing my teeth into some yummy dark chocolate with a glass of wine winding down for the evening. I know what I SHOULD be doing, I've got a ton of preparation for vlogmas to get done. Yes-way I am doing it this year by the way, I cannot wait maybe your'll pop over and JOIN US over Christmas? Tonight I'm taking a break, in this moment I just want to write. A life update is in order infact it was needed a good while ago. I've been really absent from my blog for a long while and theres a little love needed back round here. I have a few excuses but I hate to use excuses because it just doesn't ever justify the reason I've been neglecting something I love, blogging.

As your here and wanting to know whats been going on, ill proceed to explain myself. I've been trying to work on my relationship. Parenthood hit us HARD, the initial parenting came easy we are doing a great job there and our Penelope is doing incredible. It's not that. It was the staying connected as a couple part we struggled with, it became really obvious that if we didn't try to make time or put any effort in, we knew we'd end up not being together if we carried on.

So that's what we've been fixing, and we are in a much much better place now. I feel so much better knowing that we spend some quality time together now. We may not get out for actual date nights but cosy nights in with a glass of wine and dinner is good enough for me, right now. I wish we could go out for dates like the cinema, meals out, or go on shopping trips etc but we just don't ever seem to get the child care. There's only so many times you want to ask, anyone else understand this? It's fine though as long as we stick together and communicate how we are feeling then we will be fine and we really are, we are doing great and continuing to get better.

Something else has been underlining my lack of blogging too, I've been working my absolute butt off on my Youtube channel, I'm trying really hard to grow my channel, it means alot to me that little haven of mine. I made this blog to share my life as we ventured into being parents, while it was amazing at first it never felt 'enough'. I love to over share my goings on and I feel like video really expresses what I want to share. I admit I watch vlogs much more than I read blog posts these days. I just connect better watching someones life in video than reading about it. You can tell I don't read books cant you, maybe you didn't know that about me? It's not because I cant read, more that I hate the thought of reading a huge book- lazy cow yes I know that's what your thinking. In actual fact I'm far from that but why read a book over two days when you can watch the film in an hour and a half. That's how I feel towards making Youtube videos, its a better logic to me. It's hard to find a balance between Youtube and the Babyy Pebbles blog is all I was trying to say there. Blimey, I do like go off tangent dont I?!

Last but not least I've been suffering daily with horrendous back pain, I can't even express to you all how bad its truly been. So many evenings I've cried silently in bed not wanting to wake Penny because I'm unable to move and get out of bed. Yep, I get stuck and cannot get up until the pain goes away, it can take 2 minutes or even 10 minutes of unbearable pain. It shoots through my whole body and if I even so much as move my arm or breathe it sends me to tears ALOT. I cant just play around on the floor with my daughter, I have to be careful how I lay down putting her to bed, I put her at risk if I'm on my own with her because if a fire broke out and I'm stuck I cannot move to save us, dramatic I know but thats how real this is, I cannot move. She was sitting on the bed once in a hotel room. Reese nipped out to the car and I got stuck, I was desperately trying to get up incase she fell off the bed, but I just could not. Thankgoodness she was fine but it was terrifying. There was a time where she was pulling my pony tail calling 'mumma, mumma' I couldn't even get a word out to tell her I was okay, or to stop pulling me as it made my pain worse from her pulling my head backwards.

I could go on about the struggles all night, but just know I'm in pain every second of everyday and it fucking sucks arse. I'd never wish this on anyone. But, the good news is I have my long awaited appointment with the spinal surgeon on the 20th December, and I can only hope they help me. I want to play with my daughter on the floor, rough and tumble with her and roll around the carpet playing silly buggers. I want to put my daughter to sleep cuddled up with her not sitting upright in fear of not being unable to get up. Its going to be emotional, I can already feel myself welling up at the thought of walking into the surgeons office and telling him everything. Just relief to tell someone who can hopefully take all the pain away from me, I don't feel like a 24 year old women right now.

So there it is, my poor list of excuses as to why I've been absent. Its just been alot of getting through, and fixing things. God, its amazing what writing your feelings down does for your sense of mind, I feel so much has been lifted off my shoulders. I shall do this again very soon, I've missed blogging, the thing I love but next time...I need more chocolate and wine.
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