02/01/2016

Why I Am Scared To Have Another Child













Reading that title you might assume I'll be talking about not coping with two children, or that I'm just not ready to be a mum of two. While those points are all in the back of my mind and partly I feel are somewhat true. Right now we don't want another baby in our lives as we want to enjoy Penelope and get ourselves in a place where we are comfortable enough to welcome another family member. If there could ever be such a time. See I'm not very comfortable about the idea of being pregnant again, unless there was a guarantee perfect pregnancy involved; not possible I know but wouldnt that be great!

Don't get me wrong, I'd adore Penny to have a sibling and I definitely want to have another child to add to our little family, to love and adore just as much as I do Penelope, but the thought of going through what we have been through already, scares the skin off me.

If you haven't read my blog before I lost two babies before having my daughter, on one of the losses I had to have a surgical procedure to remove the baby, and after Penelope was born we were surprised with another pregnancy that ended in miscarriage also. It confirmed my worst fears that the battle we fought not once but twice for our daughter would continue if we were to try for another child. Yes, I know it may not but in my mind from our experiences and track record in pregnancy we have a 1 in 4 chance and that not being totally correct as I would of aged also. That being said means I may have to loose another two pregnancies to even be likely to carry another baby full term like I did with Penelope. The doctors has also said that because I had a healthy baby inbetween 3 miscarriages I would not be entitled to any medication of any sorts or, investigation unless I lost a recurrent 3 miscarriages, which means I also have to loose two more babies before anyone looks into our problems. If that thought is not scary enough, I don't know what is.

Maybe I am overthinking but who wouldn't with a situation like this. I don't think I can cope with any more of that heartache. The emotional roller coaster that comes with it from the joy of getting a positive test, the days/weeks your led to believe everything is fine to having a green slip diagnosing you of your loss passed to you in a box room, leaving you angry, empty and lost.

The strain it adds to a relationship, shutting him out when you need him most is the worst because you just don't help yourself. You become your own worst enemy. I learnt that I needed Reese through our losses and having him there even if he didn't know sometimes what set me off crying, it just mattered that he was there and would tell me everything would be okay meant the world. WE had many an argument and had our moments in which it got the better of us but we stuck together.

If I'm honest (and I always am) if anything it shown me that our relationship is so strong that we have been able to get through this three times. and still come out the otherside still together. We have our issues but we know we are strong enough to cope with them. If we didn't have those losses I don't think we would be where we are now, that sounds awful but I really believe that. If we didn't loose those babies and didn't experience what we have who knows we might have given up at any old argument, but because we have we stand stronger and more together than anyone who hasn't been through this.

I filled my head with such guilt and anger that I put yourself in such a low place that it takes so long to get back out of. Its not actually anyone elses fault at all. Yet there I was screaming inside my own head at my body for doing something so cruel to me. I hated myself and still to this day after this long, I put blame on myself for all different reasons trying to justify a reason for it all. I'll never actually be able to justify any of the losses but it gives me somewhat of a peaceful mind knowing it was not for no reason at all, that I cant accept.

Loosing a pregnancy while I had Penny was hard and easier in a sense, harder because it made it more real as to what I had lost, and would be without. Easier because I felt blessed to have her and it made me feel greatful for everything I did have. It doesnt take away the pain but I honestly feel that Penelope got me through my third loss she was my focus, my priority and thats exactly what I needed.

I know I could cope with more losses, I'd grind my teeth and have my heart burnt a thousand more times if it meant having what I have with Penelope with another child. To see my children playing on the floor together and being bundled on by both.
       
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6 comments:

  1. I really do feel for you and I can't begin to imagine how this all plays on your mind! But maybe don't put too much pressure on yourself, maybe if a pregnancy happens it happens? And deal with everything else as you come to it! Xx

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    1. I would love to have this positive outlook on it all, and sometimes I do and I feel good about it all. Other days I get overwhemled by it. I think it will be a rollercoaster of emotions when the time comes. Thankyou for commenting and being so lovely x

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  2. I honestly couldn't imagine what you went through to get your beautiful Penny, you are so strong! I can totally understand why you would be scared. I hope one day you will be ready to jump into pregnancy again, and Penny will get a little brother or sister xx

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    1. So sorry for taking so long to reply! Thankyou for your comment its so nice to have some support, sometimes I feel like family just forget whats happend and expect so much from you. By that I mean everyone always asks 'whens the next one' not realising what a hard time it would be for us and just expects us to pop another one out like that. The time will come again im sure. I cant wait for another positive birth story one day. x

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  3. So sorry for your loss. I really don't think you're overthinking it sounds like a challenging predicament.

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    1. Thankyou lovely, really glad you understand my boggled mind on all this, its really nice to have someone care. x

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