Miscarriage Update: This Pain Never Leaves You

Since my latest miscarriage in March, I've wanted to just share some ongoing thoughts that have been going through my mind lately as sometimes I worry whether how I feel is what I should be feeling or am I being totally ridiculous not being able to deal with it by now.

Its around 6 months since the loss of baby Pickle. I don't quite know how to word what I want to say because its so difficult to express the frustration I feel inside me, just bare with me here. Its not got any easier the grief, it messes with my heart, brain, and my feelings constantly.


One minute my mind will be set dead serious that I cant/wont have anymore pregnancies as I feel like I wouldn't be able to cope with any more pain, but on the other hand all that my body craves is Baby Pickle. Another baby of mine that will never come to be.

It hurts like hell knowing that I'm not pregnant when I should be, a Christmas baby Pickle would have been. Seeing as that gift has been taken away from us the only thing I want for Christmas is for it to be a perfect happy one for my family of three in our new home, to be a magical and spectacular day for Penelope, Reese and me. Lastly I wish to make amazing memories glazing over the grief that will be for Baby Pickle.

I always wanted 2 children and since the third loss I feel cheated like it is not right nor fair. How many times must a girl go through such heart ache and be left unknowing now for the future how many times it may need to happen again before you get that much longed for child, sibling, son or daughter. It frightens me to death being left so in the dark about my own body and the lack of control over something that means so much to me and my family. The lack of control over being able to grow what so many people take for granted. Granted many women may have had more losses than me but it doesnt take away the greif I feel for mine whether it be 3, 1 or 15 losses.

We are not trying for another baby right now as myself and Reese are not ready, waiting doesn't make things easier for my broody belly, it doesn't take away that gut wrenching feeling every time I think about my losses or how magical it was being pregnant with Penelope. Waiting does give me a little relief in a way, because I know there's not going to be any heart break just now. It gives me and Reese a chance to work on ourselves as a couple after dealing with such bad luck with miscarriage these last few years. I have my own issues to deal with too, self esteem as this has shattered any confidence I had with myself.  My emotions have scattered and have become unpredictable since it all began sometimes I dont even know how I feel.

Some days I can feel it more than others, the grief. I feel numb and weak so much so that I turn to tears to let it all out. Frustration, confusion, why me? why my babies? It becomes so painful. The pain is always there, those same questions circling my thoughts.

The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter, Penelope my rainbow baby and my greatest sense of hope. Reese my partner, the man who's shared this grief with me, and been there three times through thousands of tears. Those two people remind me that the future is bright, although at times I don't see it as clearly as I should, I know when I sit and think past the heartache and the grief there is another rainbow (baby) coming and a feeling of being complete.

          

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