29/06/2015

Miscarriage Grief & How I Cope

Dealing with miscarriage is so difficult, everyone will have different methods of coping and will find their own ways to get through it day to day. I however want to talk about me and how grief affected me, how I coped at the time of those awful times in my life and update you on where I'm at today.
Miscarriage No.1 (Pippie)
The first miscarriage taught me that babies don't come easy for some. After seeing my mum loose her baby boy when I was in high school I was aware of miscarriage and baby loss but you always hope it doesn't happen to you. Once it happened I knew if I wanted a baby I was going to have to fight for it. I admit after the loss I was so angry that I hated myself and everything around me. It was grief and when grief first hits you it's very overwhelming to say the least, I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I let myself grieve to my hearts content I sobbed on Reese's shoulder for days and even had emotional break downs for the weeks and months to follow. I found just letting my emotions come out as and when they pleased worked best for me. Holding back always made things worse for me and the more worked up and angry I would get.

After a while the grief started to melt away letting my normal self start to surface again, the anger started to disappear and I started finding myself wanting to be happy again, wanting to laugh and smile even. I joined a miscarriage forum (Baby and Bump) in hopes for it to help me start accepting the emotional roller coaster I had now been destined. I joined that community online because I felt that these women on this miscarriage section were open to talk to you about loosing a baby. They understood completely how I felt because everyone had experienced it once, twice or fifteen times at least. At the time family and friends didn't really know what to say, although they tried, most couldn't possibly have understood what I needed to hear when they spoke as it normally resulted in them upsetting or offending me. A girl on the forum named Jenna also experienced a loss and through this we gave each other a friend to give support and we'd send messages to each other just listening to each others worries and giving encouragement to keep our spirits up while we carried on TTC and dealing with life around us. For this loss I completely relied mainly on the forum and Reese's shoulder to cry on.

Miscarriage No.2 (Peach)
The second loss was completely different. I thought after hearing countless comments of 'the next time will be fine, don't worry' that it was finally my time to have my baby. I saw my belly growing and felt every single second of morning sickness and spent so much time puking to have thought that something may have been wrong. I had no reasons at all to think that. It seemed to be your ideal pregnancy. I'd been filled with false hope from friends and family, I'd been feeling my growing belly and generally enjoyed the first 12 weeks of pregnancy until the day before my 12 week scan, I began to bleed after a stressful day at work. My mum stayed with me that night still giving me hope that it was all fine. She knew of ladies that bled all through her pregnancy so still I was clinging onto hope I was being given. The scan came and it was discovered my baby had died, it was measuring 7+ weeks at this point and was showing signs of decomposing, my baby had been shrinking. Emotionally I collapsed, shut down and I cried so hard that I crumbled into the wall in the hospital corridor on the way out. You go into the waiting room to expect to walk out with a beautiful scan photo not an empty hand and heart. We didn't get that magical moment instead we were forced into the hands of grief again. I wasn't so much angry this time I was sad, I was hurting so much my heart ached I had to wait a week before I had the op to remove the baby through a DNC procedure. I found it highly traumatic, for example I came round shouting out for my baby back, crying and in pain. A lady caring for me hugged me and you know what? She gave me something I really needed at that moment. A cuddle, it didn't matter that I didn't know her and she probably deals with women like me all day long. She'll never know how much that hug meant to me. It was enough to calm me down to sleep again, to escape that awful empty fresh out of surgury nightmare.

On getting home I was numb, and it stayed that way for a long time. Sad but emotionally numb. We waited for me to heal physically and we refused to give up  TTC. It made me SO determined and dedicated to the idea I WAS going to be a mum and nothing was going to stop me. It was time to get that fight back. Although in the back of my head I had thoughts like 'why are you bothering, it's not going to happen', you won't carry a child and will keep having miscarriages' I couldn't go on with that attitude, it was destroying me and the relationships around me. This miscarriage taught me I had to be strong, determined and to cling to the hope it would happen. I resented alot of people for giving me hope throughout my pregnancy and for it to finish like it did. I was furious. Looking back at it now, I would do the same for anyone else in my position. If you dont have hope at such an awful time like miscarriage then you really do have nothing. I may have felt emptiness like nothing else in this world, I may have had my babies taken away from me beyond my control. but I had hope that was given to me by the people who loved me. That kept me going.

A Rainbow Baby (Penelope)
My next pregnancy we had our beautiful baby girl Penelope. A healthy little rainbow baby who was perfect from the moment she was born. She has grown to become the most amazing daughter and I will cherish her always. I could never describe in words how much I love my little Pennypops. We were at a crossroads for a while after Penelope. We didnt know what we wanted in terms of future children and when that time for another would be for a sibling for our daughter. We knew it was likely we might miscarry again, and it felt wrong to go through that when Penelope would be so young. I didn't want my grief to affect her, and ruin such precious time with her. Also I worried for my fertility, I'd tell myself that it'll just get riskier as I get older. If I had that much trouble getting my first baby god knows what it'll be like in 5/7 years time! We decided that we would wait regardless of the outcome. Just days later I found out I was infact pregnant, crazy how things work out isn't it?

Miscarriage No.3 (Pickle)
I was devastated with this miscarriage being honest, because although before I was under the impression that it was likely I might miscarry again. Once I found out I was pregnant I thought that I'd had my fair share of heart ache. Having Penelope was the gold at the end of the rainbow, my silver lining through it all. After everything I went through I was finally blessed with this perfect baby. I thought grief had truly finished with me. It felt amazing to be giving Penny a brother or sister, I was so proud. My family was going to grow. To start bleeding on a evening when I was alone was the biggest shock of all. I felt angry that I had let my guard down, believing it would be okay. I sobbed, so hard. But I couldn't let this grief consume me. I refused to let Penelope see me sad. I didn't want her to pick up on me being different. I certainly didn't want this loss to affect her. It was so hard at times because I loved that baby. With the help of Penelope I coped. If ever I was sad, I would stare at her face, I'd think about her and I would tell myself that I have everything I'll ever need in her, anything more would be a blessing. It always put a smile on my face and made me feel better. If anything she made me feel greatful. Instead of resenting people for giving me hope this time, I resented people for saying things like 'it wasn't the right time', 'enjoy your time with Penny'. It may have not been what we had planned, and it may not have been ideal timing. But when things happen in life, you deal with it. You adjust and you live. Whether it be dealing with a miscarriage, or juggling two kids with a small age gap. If I'd have had that baby I would have loved it beyond words. Just like Penelope. I wouldn't of had Penelope to enjoy I would have had two children to treasure. Two children to stare lovingly at. Two children running me ragged giving me grey hairs, but I would have loved and enjoyed every waking moment. If that baby was to have made it would have been hard work, but hard work always pays off. If miscarriage has taught me anything its to appreciate every single millisecond of your baby/children because you never know what is going to happen.

Today 
I am on the depo injection now, instead of the pill. We have no plans as to when we would like to try again, all we know is right now we cant face another pregnancy loss, so we have taken the possibility
out of the equation so as of right now we are not trying for a baby. This makes me some what relaxed because I know that I can just enjoy my life without heart ache, tears, and anger looming over me. Atleast for now. I know the day will come when we will want to try for another baby and we will need to be strong and beg grief stays away throughout that time. I find speaking about the losses help hugely, I like to be there for other girls going through the same. I cry now and then when I let myself think back over those awful times, I miss my babies everyday and I wonder what if. One thing that keeps me going day to day is that I believe that grief took them away because he needed too. Perhaps my babies would have had serious complications in life, and grief did what he only thought fair for the children, I cant bare to think of it any other way. The thought of it being for no reason at all is just unacceptable to me. Everything happens for a reason I say, and if that was the reason for my babies leaving me too soon, then that's okay. I would never want my children to suffer a cruel and painful life.

I think that if I were to loose more pregnancy's in the future, it will hurt just as much as the others, ill feel just as empty but I am not going to give up. I didn't give up on Penelope and I wont give up on rainbow baby No.2 either.

Grief does not take over your life forever, hope carry's you through it.

 
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