26/04/2015

Miscarriage Number 3

If you remember this time last month I announced a very unusual pregnancy announcement. You can read that here. At the end I explained that I had started bleeding and was going for some examinations to see if I had miscarried the pregnancy or not.

I hate to say it but I did miscarry, I lost yet another. I am angry at just typing those words. I try not to think about it even now because I just get so worked up and damn right angry about the fact I have now had to go through 3 miscarriages.

It seems so cruel, so much so that I start to doubt whether I deserve it. Is there a reason behind them or something I ever did wrong? It feels like being scolded and punished but without the explanation as to why. Your left feeling angry, confused, and your newly excited emotional scattered and dropped like they never ment anything at all.

Oddly I even become embarrassed. I can never manage to keep my mouth shut about being pregnant. I always tell my mum and there's a few close friends and family that I like to let in on ours news. I tell them the wonderful news that we are expecting and explain how happy I am and express all these plans that I have and imagine my life with a little tiny person in it. Then I have to face those same people, in some cases tell them the sh*t news unless my mother does it on my behalf. I dont know why I feel embarrassed to admit I've lost a baby, maybe its more ashamed. Loosing a pregnancy makes you feel weak as a women and a failure. No matter how many times people say that's not the case and its true that is utter rubbish your no less of a women. But that's how it makes me feel.

Penelope has been my godsend this time around, i have her to focus on and keep me busy. When i'm feeling upset or down about things, I just have to look over to her and watch her and she'll cheer me up. When I hear her say 'Mama' its reminds me I AM a mummy. I have a child, the child I'd already fought with my body to have. I have her here in person to love and care for every second of everyday.

I'll be honest I had these worries before this third loss but now more than ever I worry for my future. I worry that I wont be able to carry anymore children. Or that I'll face nothing but losses. How many more must I face before having another perfect baby to add to our family. I dread the day we decide we want to give Penny a sibling, that we are ready and the time is right for us to have another baby but we cant. I just cant bare it.

Although the pregnacy was not planned, I loved what little time I did have.

I'm greatful for my life and I'm more than greatful for being blessed with Penny. Everyday now I think about how special she really is. Three pregnancy's didn't make it, but she did.

Babyy Pebbles made it!

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16 comments:

  1. I can't imagine how you must feel and I won't pretend to! But you 100% deserve it and Penelope is living proof of that :) I wish that one day all your dreams come true xx

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    1. Thankyou hun for your lovely comment xx

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  2. I'm so sorry to read this, it really is not your fault though and you must remember that. Big hugs xx

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    1. Thanks Julia, I suppose as a women it's something that goes through your mind subconsciously. xx

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  3. So sorry! I can't even imagine how it feels but it breaks my heart that I know so many who have experienced it. xx

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    1. Thankyou so much for your lovely comment, its such a hard experience for anybody to go through. x

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  4. So brave and strong, you've delt with it really well through all the highs and lows. I knew you were strong enough to get through it and writting about it is inspirational. Penny will have a sibling one day, I am sure of it. positive thinking hun. xx

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    1. Aww thanks lovely, yes i have to remind myself to be positive. For now I'll do my best with my beautiful baby Penny, and when the time comes again I'll deal with it then xxx

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  5. You are such a strong lady for going through this 3 times, I won't even begin to imagine how you feel. Penny is so lucky to have such an amazing and brave mummy xx

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    1. Aww thankyou so much Emily for your lovely comment x

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  6. Awwww honey. I just want to give you a massive hug. Miscarriages are so tough and they leave you feeling empty and bruised. I blamed myself for my miscarriages and felt like a failure. But that is not true at all. And you have gorgeous Penny. So you can have children. You just have to hold on to that and hug your little lady tight. And don't give up. The future is bright and filled with rainbows. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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    1. You hit the nail on the head there, that exactly how it feels.Thankyou so much for your truly lovely comment and I'm incredibly sad that you've had to go through miscarriages too. Lots og hugs to you too x

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  7. It is so unfair and no words can truly take away the pain. My little ones are miracle #2 and #5. May I ask if you have been tested for Anti-cardiolipin antibodies? I swear by a low-dose of aspirin allowed me to have my 2nd rainbow baby. Sending you positive thoughts.

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    1. Oh I'll have to remember to query about the low dose aspirin when we decide to try again, thankyou for that advice and your lovely comment x

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  8. I can't imagine how you feel. Please don't think you're any less of a woman or a failure. You're a fantastic mother.
    I am so sorry for your losses.
    *big hugs*

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    1. Thankyou Bethan for your lovely comment x

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