28/03/2015

I'm Pregnant! Or Not...


22/03/2015
I was awoken by a text from my mum at 6.30am, it read 'Are you pregnant hunni? Xxx'. I text back 'Of course I'm not pregnant'. I was left feeling very confused as to why on earth she'd send me such an odd message after all I was on the pill so of course I wasn't going to be pregnant? Plain old weird I thought. The day carried on and I thought to myself when did I have my last period I knew I definitely had one last month so the pill was working but couldn't think of the date I came on. After not being able to work it out I began to get paranoid. I didn't even tell Reese I was going to buy a pregnancy test as I thought he would think I was mad going out to waste money on a silly paranoid thought from someone who woke up at 6.30am, I thought it was ridiculous myself. I came home did the test and didn't think to much about it. I had no symptom's or real suggestions that would have said otherwise. HOLY CRAP! It's positive. I'm pregnant, how, what, why, when? I couldn't think straight so I ran in to Reese blurted it straight out...he was speechless in total shock. I didn't give him a inch of warning, poor bloke! How did my mum know? I rang her straight back to ask her why she sent the message and she said there was no reason behind it other than she woke up and it popped into her head. Did my belly look bigger than usual? No she said I just woke up thinking you were pregnant. Freakiest moment ever.

Coming to terms with the shock
I'll admit the day I found out I was very emotional and full of utter panic. Terrified by the thought of having two under two, would I be able to cope? I thought was hard enough. I know of lots of bloggers, youtubers and even personal friends too they manage fine and so will I. You don't have much choice but to cope and get on with things do you in the long short of it. Your too busy to worry and panic.

Has it sunk in yet?
Yes, now  that its been a few days down the line its started to sink in that our family is going to expand and we're happy about it planned or not planned. We always said we wanted two children so regardless of timing this is still exactly what we had planned for our family. I cant wait to bond with this baby already I love him or her so much that I worry every waking moment that I may miscarry due to my track record. I get butterfly's at the thought I get to experience pregnancy all over again, and this time I will force myself to have fun with it. With Penny I was too afraid of loosing her that I didn't get to fully enjoy her while pregnant. I vow this time to give myself a break and try to stop being so negative about things.

I hope this baby is healthy and happy just like Penny was, she will make such a brilliant big sister.

 OR NOT?!

This is the last thing I wanted to be adding onto my pregnancy announcement, I was waiting to post this until I knew whether the pregnancy was progressing by getting my blood results back from the lab, but it seems tonight things have changed.

 I'm bleeding, quite heavily. If you've read my miscarriage journey prior to Penelope then you'll know I've had two losses already, one at 5+ weeks and one missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. This feels like the loss of my first pregnancy the heavy bleeding early on I mean. Admittedly I did bled with Penny but only slightly, it was never really a huge concern as I knew about implantation but I'm almost certain this is not that.

 I need to get some of this emotion out of my head so I don't care about people becoming aware of my pregnancy. I had accepted it and started to be excited for this pregnancy. If this baby is okay then I'll scream it for everyone to hear with proud smiles from ear to ear. But on the other hand if it's the news I dread to hear then people should be able to read this post to spread the word of miscarriages and baby loss.

I have an appointment tomorrow which was supposed to be for follow up blood work for the pregnancy but I guess instead it'll be to determine whether I'm still pregnant or not.

Bollocks is all I can say now.

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4 comments:

  1. Oh lovely :( I hope you're ok. You're so brave for talking about this so openly xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sorry lovely :( I really hope things work out well for you! Sending lots of hugs xx

    ReplyDelete

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