Tonight Is A Hard Night.

I've heard such sad news this evening and its hit me so close to home that I'm terrified to sleep and leave Penelope to her own dreams. I want to go into her room, wake her up and play all night just so I know she's safe and happy. How isit that after a great day spent with your baby the next morning there's a risk you'd go to see that glorious morning smile from your little one and they won't wake up. How does that happen? Why? and why the fuck does that situation even exist! It's sick, wrong, and unhuman.

I'm sat in bed exhausted after a day with a teething terror baby. I found today and yesterday so hard, I just couldn't wait for Penny's bedtime to come. It sounds awful but sometimes you need time to relax and not have a baby screaming at you all day because they aren't feeling themselves.  But now after reading this news, I lay here feeling panicked, sad, and craving for my Penelope to be sleeping by my side. Not in the next room. I want to watch her chest beat up and down. I want to hear her snores and grunts. I want to see her little hands curl out for me when she realises I'm right there on a quick awakening. I want my baby girl right here, right now.   

She's sleeping next door I had to go and check she was okay. She was... peacefully sleeping. How does a mother sleep after reading such terrifying news. No mother should ever have to experience the loss of a child. Ever. 

I cannot express my fear to loosing my baby. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with her I was too paranoid for words that it would lead to a miscarriage, something would happen in my mind. I was going to loose her I thought daily. I longed for the day she would be born and safe within my arms. But it turns out there's a whole other world of dangers that have greeted us too.  I do my best to keep her from any possible dangers, more than some mums maybe. It has been mentioned i go abit over board. She's the most treasured part of my life why would I not protect her from everything and everyone who could post risk of hurting her. 

There's always going to be one thing I can't protect her from though, one place that I'll never be able to stop her from going. And that's sleep. You can't stop a baby sleeping can you? A silent killer, with no warnings or signs, it can take a child just like that.  I've never let myself think about such a situation before but now having it in writing, a real life situation with people I know involved. It's right up on the top of my thoughts! Something I'm not going to be able to relax about for a long long time. I just had to write something, I had to get this off my chest. I want to type it out a million times and say it to her over and over until she understands.

I love you. I love you more than anything in this entire world. And I always will. Xxx

In this day and age we shouldn't have to worry about our children sleeping. It shouldn't be happening.

Sweet dreams my gorgeous girl, and with every fibre in my body I pray you wake up everyday until your a very old life for-filled happy lady with lots of beautiful grandchildren to which you can finally decided peacefully when your time has come. And not a day sooner than that. 

All my love mummy. 

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