15/11/2014

My Miscarriage Journey To My Rainbow Baby Penelope.

I've tried to write this post for nearly 5 months and I simply couldn't do it. This is due to the fact everytime I try or start thinking back to it, I get consumed by sadness. Its hard to have those feelings resurface and open them up again. It begins to feel as raw as it did on the days it happened and the months or year to follow.

I feel this is something that means so much to me. I feel it's important to log it down and be able to look back on this post in years to come and see what we had to go through to get where we are in our lives. 

In your shallow obnoxious mind, you might think 'get over it' or 'everyone goes through something'. This post for me goes on to explain what was the worst times of my entire life and I don't think much else could ever top it. I haven't wrote this post for anyone else but myself. I invite you to read my experience but I don't invite shallow minded people to mock my pain. I hope nobody would anyway. But I needed to put that out there before I go on. 

We were sitting on the bed, me and my partner Reese. When he blurted out so out of the blue a statement which would change our lives forever. A topic I think at only a few months into our relationship would've scared anyone half to death. He said 'I think we should try for a baby?'

Immediately I laughed and replied some what along the lines of 'are you joking?'. I started to think it over and I thought 'you know what? what the hell I love this man and we are great together!'. All a child needs is love and you could bet your bottom dollar we would give all we could to give a baby a good life. So it was set that is what we decided...we were going have a baby. 

Can't be that hard, just get pregnant, buy baby stuff, give birth, hey presto you got your baby!? Oh how naive we were.

Only a month later did we need to do a test. We did the first at my dads house. I sat on the loo and peed on the stick. Straight away a bright blue cross came up! I can't explain the overwhelming emotion that over came me. I burst into tears and ran out to Reese, literally I hyperventilated in the kitchen. We actually did 5 or so pregnancy tests to confirm our results. How exciting we were pregnant.

We had mixed reaction when we shared the news only to family (as was still very early) my side of the family were excited and Reese's mum and dad were not best pleased but now I see only through pure concern as it was so soon into the relationship. 

A few days later all my symptoms seemed to be dullying off and I woke up one morning for work and I just didn't 'feel' pregnant anymore. I'll never forget it. I said to reese I think we need to do another test so make that +1 more test. Sure enough it said positive but at that time I didn't seem to realise it was a lot fainter than the previous ones we took. Later that day at work with a busy office I felt a wetness in my undies ao I ventured to the loo and to my horror realised I was miscarrying my baby. I was shaking like a leaf on the loo and somehow managed to consol myself in order to stand up and ring reese to come to the hospital (where I worked). My mum was called as she was in the same workplace. We sat in the room waiting to be seen. I sat in utter shock as we waited. Finally we were called and the lady examined me. My legs were shaking, I was clamy and frightened. 

I was told to go to the early pregnancy clinic, where I took a urine sample and waited for my results. Which turns out to be a dip in pregnancy test in which they calculate the amount of blood in my urine. I was brought into the worlds smallest box room and handed a peice of paper, the nurse then said.  'I'm sorry the test came back negative, your miscarrying'. Slap, bang and crush. I was heartbroken. I somehow walked out the room and walked up the corridoor before it hit me. I slomped onto a little hutch window and crumbled into heart wrenching sobs. 

I almost knew I would miscarry, I always thought I would. Ever since my mum had miscarried her last child at 18 weeks, I took the loss really hard. I had never experienced a loss in the family before. Miscarrying my own children had always played on my mind, it frightened me into when I tried to have children. I was sure to have the same fate. It was then my worst fears were confirmed. It did happen to me. I had lost a child at 5+ weeks. We called him or her Pippie. As he would've been so so small but in our hearts it didn't matter how big or small, it was our baby and we grieved for them so much. 

I was in a bad place for quite a few months, I longed for my baby that never was. I started to get angry and isolated myself. My relationship struggled but we battled through it! How I just don't know. Everyone comforted us and said it won't happen again, everything would be fine next time.

A few months later we decided to try again. My body had recovered and we were in a bit of a better mind set to carry on. It only took around two months or so before we were expecting again. Fantastic this was it, we would have our baby. We decided only too tell my mum, plus a few other close family and friends. We decided not to tell Reese's family due to the fact of their reaction previously as we just couldn't deal with any stress. 

Thankfully just a few days after finding out we were pregnant we were going to Turkey for 2 weeks! Perfect timing I say, we could enjoy the early few weeks of the pregnancy together, just the two of us. With no worries. It was the most amazing holiday for the first week it couldn't have been better. But the second week was a different story... I couldn't get out of bed, not even for food. Reese had to go and get me just butter and toast from the restaurant as its all I could eat. I've never felt so ill in my life! The morning sickness was horrendous. The plane home was also equally horrendous we didn't even know if I was safe to fly home. 

Homebound safe and sound on English soil. I returned to work and told a few more family and close friends about the baby. We were so excited I bought a little early baby item. A bib that said 'daddy makes me hap-pea' get it? Haha! We finally got the scan date through for our 12 week scan. We could not WAIT!

It dragged and dragged until it was the day before, I was at work. The day begun as normal I was getting on with what I needed to do. Until a certain old lady at work began to scrutinise everything I did. She was so awful to me that day. I went home in the car with Reese and sobbed on the way home. Who knows why she felt to treat me like that. I got home and went to the toilet straight away as I was busting for a wee. I wish I hadent bothered. Blood. Again I was bleeding. No, not again. I slumped into the sofa sobbing and screaming for Reese who was out by the car. When he came in his face dropped but he kept his calm and bought me to the hospital, my mum met us there. 

We were in that room again. The dreaded waiting room. My stomach was in knots just being there again. I went into the same examination room, had the same examination and was sent to the early pregnancy clinic just to be told to wait until the next day for my scheduled 12 week scan appointment. 'ARE YOU JOKING?!?!?' How would I cope until then, not knowing if my baby was okay or not. Reese has no choice but to work that night as his dad knew nothing of what was going on still. My mum stayed with me that night and comforted me as much as she could telling me to stay positive and the baby might be fine. 

The morning came and we arrived at the hospital ultrasound department, only to be told we were at the wrong place, typical us! We walked to where we were then told to go and I started to crack. I started to cry as I become frightened as to what I would see. Finally someone came in and said 'I'm really sorry but your in the wrong department.' To which I started shaking, that was it, the full tears came in. 'Please just someone put me out of my misery and see me' I thought. We finally got to the correct room and my mum waited outside for us as me and Reese went inside the scanning room. I laid down and the lady could tell I was terrified, she tried to comfort me. She spread the gel onto my stomach and moved it around, all of a sudden I saw my baby on the screen. I know what a baby looks like at around 12 weeks and my baby was not that. I knew as quick as the picture flicked up on that screen that my baby had died inside me. The lady said the baby looks like they passed away around the 7+ weeks mark, but my body hadent retaliated to the death, it hadent  started to miscarry. But my uterus had still grown, creating a small bump. So for weeks I was cradling my tiny bump, bought my first baby item, when infact my baby had passed away unknowingly. I can't think of anything more cruel in life than that. To think your caring and growing something you love already so much inside you, too then find out it wasn't what it seemed. After a previous loss already? This surely wasn't real life and definitely can't be happening to me? But it was oh so very real. Heartbroken. 

I was then asked to pull on my trousers, and was led out of the room to see my mum, who was smiling at me still hoping it was all okay. She saw my face crash and burn with that she started to cry. She was gutted for me. I could almost feel her heart crush as we hugged. We were told to wait in the tiny box room again. I felt sick to my stomach to be there again. 'I hate this roooooooom!' The lady came in and explained I needed an operation to get the baby out as my body wasn't doing it itself, I was at risk of infection. A D&C they called it. This basically ment my poor baby would be sucked out of me. It hurts now even at the thought of it! I was scheduled in for the following week,  I had to bare another week with my baby dead within me. It brought me some comfort in a way though. Peach as we named them. Hadent left me completely just yet, I still had him with me. He was still my baby. I didn't want him to go away. 

Reese's dad was calling him regarding work and to find out where he was. Reese finally answered the phone and blurted out I had a scan and they found we lost another baby. The conversation was over.

The day of the operation came, terrified and numb I got undressed into my surgery gear. After a not so bad wait I was told to go to my hospital bed and wait for the doctor to take me to surgery. I wasn't allowed reese or my mum to sit with me while I waited. I was crying and shaking in fear but they didn't care. I was so vulnerable. So ruthless of them. No matter what my mum or Reese said they weren't allowed to sit with me. I sat there frozen until it was time. I didn't move a muscle. The time came and I was called, I walked down too,can you even believe it...'Delivery Suite Theatre'. If that wasn't a slap in the face I don't know what is. My thinking behind it was, I was walking in with my baby and walking out empty. 

I had never had an operation before so it was all very unknown to me. They put me to sleep so the next thing I knew I was crying out for my baby. I remember it so clearly 'where's my baby, where's my baby, I want my baby back'. The nurse came rushing over. She simply hugged me, brushed my tears away and my hair back from my face. There's obviously nothing else she could've done for me, I was grieving. 

When I had calmed down I started to realise I was in a lot of pain and had to have my pain medicine put up. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up there by my bed was Reese and mum were there. I felt so empty throughout my whole body. I felt like the worlds biggest a failure. 

The doctor came round to me and she said the operation went well apart from I bled a lot more than she's dealt with before. But she said all was now well. Was it well though? Nothing felt 'well' for me. I came home to find a big bunch of flowers from Reese's parents, they were sad too for us. They knew it was no time to be angry not this time, not after a second loss. After that I remember hardly anything but crying. I was completely somewhere else throughout the next few weeks. I was consumed with grief from head to toe. I had begun to loose hope of ever carrying a child. It hurt so much. I can remember so many times I would be hugging Reese on the bed and just simply sobbing for my babies. 

Just as soon as my body had recovered, we decided to try again, we couldn't give up! We just couldn't let the grief overcome us. Although it seemed like a loosing battle we carried on trying. A few months passed... using ovulation kits and keeping track on everything we could, in order to keep a close eye on case we got pregnant again. It wasn't working though. We decided that it put too much pressure on us as a couple and decided to stop using the kits but instead to just try to go with it. If we were going to get pregnant it will happen in its own time. Lone behold it wasn't then long before we did a test. And it came back positive! 

I didn't hold out much hope at all, I kind of gave up on the idea that the baby would be okay before I even had a chance to be excited. Dread and worry overwhelmed me. I couldn't loose another baby. I just couldn't cope with that. 'This baby had to be the one, just please let this be it' I'd tell myself. 

As we had two previous losses our case was looked into and the operation results to see if there was a reason for the miscarriages came back clear, all normal. We were booked in for a very early scan to see if all was ok, I was supposed to be around 6 weeks pregnant. I was going to have an ultrasound. You could say I was more than terrified seeing as my previous experience was horrific. I just expected the worse. Reese couldn't have been anymore nervous. It was an awful wait in the waiting room. Again we didn't hold out much hope.

The screen flicked on, the doctor was whizzing around on my belly. When he said 'look there's the heart beat beating away'. The baby was alive. A baby thriving inside me, it was all I could have ever wished for! But alas it was still so early, after all Peach died at 7+ weeks. Still my thoughts were not very positive at that point in time. It came to our 12 week scan and this is where the nerves really up tempoed. SO NERVOUS! Knots, dry mouth, sweats and butterflies overwhelmed us both I think. We were a right state haha! Lots of couples sitting in the waiting room  who most likely will be leaving with great big smiles on there faces and amazing news to share with the world. Then there was me hoping and praying I would to, would we finally have some good news too?

We walked into the ultrasound room, on flicked the screen. It was the picture I had wanted to see for such a long time. One I had convinced myself I wouldn't see. It was a healthy, strong, and perfectly forming baby. Moving around wrigglling away in my belly. It was such a magical moment for us. I cried, a lot. Happy tears this time though finally. We told everyone this time anyone who would listen to us really. Everyone this time was happy for us!

The rest of my 9 months dragged by and until the day she would be born She was never going to be safe in my mind. She had to be here for me to finally see it was going to be okay. It was a long 9 months but it just amazing too. Such a blessing to be pregnant, I took every bit of morning sickness and clenched my teeth with back pain. I was greatful for every single bit of it! It felt like I'd been pregnant for nearly two years, in a way I was I suppose. And the rest consumed if the time full with grief, it was the hardest time for us. 

My due date approached. (I've already done my birth story so check that out). Reese and my mum spurred me on throughout labour, the two people who were there through everything. We all finally got to share the moment we all craved so badly for. The arrival of our little miracle baby girl coming into the world. Penelope. Safe, sound, and much awaited for. Finally we were blessed with the baby of our dreams. 

I consider the losses I had prior to Penny her brother and sisters. They brought us to her. I love them all so so much and I'll never forget them.  I know now that I t wasn't ment to be, I like to think they had a reason that they couldn't be here today. That's what keeps me positive about it all. Notice, through this post of the names of my babies Pippie, Peach, and Penelope. For some reason we have a thing about 'P's. We don't know why but we are always drawn to a name beginning with 'P'. Our puppy is even called Pippin. Strange right?! But it's almost like a subconscious memorial for our losses. 

This was such a hard post to write. I'm glad I've finally done it. One day I'll look back and just recap on how greatful I should be for my life.

Love Lorraine
Xxx

Ps look at her now modelling herself in the womb! 














3 comments:

  1. Awwww... your rainbow baby Penelope is gorgeous. I am so sorry that you had to go through all this. It is tragic. I suffered a missed miscarriage before Little Miss H and then another one again in October last year. It is horrific. You lose more than just a baby. You lose your hopes and dreams too. You will never forget those babies. They will always be a part of your life. But gradually the pain will recede. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear you went through miscarriages too Mrs H, so awful to experience. I wouldn't wish it on anyone on this earth. I read your comment this morning and shed a tear or two you really don't forget them your right, I still love them both and I do miss them and wonder what they would have become. Thank you for your lovely words xxx

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  3. I am in absolute tears after reading this. It is the most heart wrenching thing to happen. I hope my little girl doesn't mind too much if all the hugs I give her last that little bit longer. Thank You so much for writing this as it is such a hard thing to talk about. :-) xx

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